operation have a gay friend backfired
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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