If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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