It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
