I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
