guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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