I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
