Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
