At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
