Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
