my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
