And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
