There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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