It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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