Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
