I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
