if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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