Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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