I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
