I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
