If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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