She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
