i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
