He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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