I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
