How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
