His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
