saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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