I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
