just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
NoShamevember. You game?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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