you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
