After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
