mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
