How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
did you just send me my own nude
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
