so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
