i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
