you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
