My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Shame - the story of my life.
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