She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
NoShamevember. You game?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
