lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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