please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
