my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
