How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
