I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
