pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
