Four minutes until I can fart!
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
