You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
