TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
