I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
