Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
