Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
